Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Of passion.. and of true love~


Just can't believe what I'm seeing in my archive... This year's post is down to only 13 including this one! I sure had a very bad writer's block, didn't I? I don't know what happened.. It's either I'm lack inspiration or I don't have enough emotion to write. I know it's not so much of from fear that my writing lack substance nor do I think it was not good enough.. Perhaps I'm more conscious if this blog get discovered in this era where things easily get viral. And where independent opinion easily get bombarded by over reactive netizens (what they call people on the internet nowadays)

My passion for writing has always been the same. I still get lost in thoughts and start to mentally structure the words in my head amidst meaningful occasions. But that's where they are kept; just in my head. Or as draft in the blog's dashboard; that's as far as the words went.. I don't know what held me back every time I finish writing something... They just never get published anymore..

I have longed to share what it's like in my life these days. I still go back to my writings in the past and love to remind myself what kind of person I was back then. How I was in university, how I was when I first started working.. And the only thing that's missing from this blog is who I am now. Just the infrequent updates on where I went and vague descriptions of things that disturbs me at work.. And for this post I will still be vague in fear of being offensive. This is my point of view, based on my values, belief and conscience~

A few years ago I've written somewhere in this blog how I was afraid to exit my 'regulated' world. I was, for years, in places surrounded by an environment that teaches me how to differentiate between what's good and bad, places with designed routines such that it is full of fruitful activities and more or less ibadah, places where friends who would remind me if I'm astray was in abundance. Although, I have to admit that it took quite some time for the good things to be ingrained, but I think I turned out well. I was afraid to enter the 'real' world where things are not as ideal it was before. But it seems that, I'm still blessed to still be on the 'bleachers' as an audience most of the times. And when it was my turn to play in this game called life, I'm always blessed again to leave the field with minor injuries.

It was a twist of fate that brings me to where I am now. An accident in my working place got me transferred to a place where the rest of my colleague dreaded. I was the most junior at that time so it was easy to be cast off to a place where nobody wants. I felt lonesome.. I was afraid.. Well, I had to face dying people the first thing in the morning in my old working place. I would eye the dying patients at the corner of my eyes and would discretely guess which one of them is going to go first. Not to play God, just a mind game of the younger version of me. I was okay with that. But at the new place, the people there look.. hurm plagued.. And I thought all of them must have done something really bad in this life to be punished with such ailment.. I even went to see my boss to ask her whether she is sure to put a girl like me at the scary place.. Yes, I used that exact word 'scary place'. Until one day..

I started off without a proper training. I was told it was going to be easy and straightforward. I was given a list of things that should be mentioned during my counseling and that's it.

"You're going to be put on a lifelong treatment. If you don't comply, we don't have many other medications if you fail treatment due to your own negligence.." I would say in my very formal tone. In the first few weeks, I did as I was told.. STRAIGHTFORWARD.. My sessions lasted for about 15 minutes and that's it... But then, I got really really bored. There were very few patients around and very few of them started on treatment so I have very few things to do other than chat with my assistant. So one day I decided to try to build rapport with them. I thought maybe I could actually learn something more from them rather than just them learning from me. I was very curious of how they have got it.. How they actually feel deep down especially those that are not so lucky and only buying time..

That fateful evening, I was called to see a woman in her mid 30's. To my surprise, her room was full of kids, about 6 of them, and I had to ask all the children to wait at the lobby so I could have some private time with the mother. I started off with a friendly tone that evening, asking her first about the children. She has 10 children actually and the youngest was about 1 year old at that time and still on breastfeed. It's only natural to ask about the husband, isn't it? And that's when I found that she was a victim... She went on and on about what happened to her for the past few years; neglected and left with a disease that could not be cured. She shared her insecurities. She was the breadwinner of the family and the question that broke my heart the most was when she asked..

"Boleh kah saya jual mi dan air lagi? Saya nda mau orang kena sakit saya.. Sengsara.. Tapi itu saja yang saya boleh buat untuk sara anak-anak. Saya tiada pelajaran.."

That one particular counseling session changed my perception entirely. This particular woman taught me that behind every face, there's a story. And whatever the story might be, I'm not in a position to judge. But I'm in the position for their relief and comfort just by listening. And then from listening to their stories is actually the key that guides us to tailor our treatment based on their unique situations.

Sadly, this woman story didn't end happily.. She came back to us a few months later and I went to see her to assess her compliance.. She was already blind due to an infection in her brain.
"Kakak... Masih ingat saya..??"
"Ya.. Doktor ubat kan?? Minta maaf doktor.. Saya tiada duit mau ambil ubat.. Jadi saya berhenti makan.."

The feeling that I had when I heard what she said was indescribable. I know I shouldn't be personally and emotionally affected by my patients but when I went home that evening, I thought I haven't done enough. I know that I was not the person to be blamed that she became like that. But deep down I felt like there's something down the line that I could've at least try to do to avoid that. If it's not for her perhaps those that I will meet in the future...

So here I am after 3 years... Guess what, somewhere in between, I actually went to see my boss again and asked to be fully in charge of them. My boss was surprised, of course; the same person who asked her whether she was sure to send a girl to be in charged on about 32 patients is now asking to be in charged on every single individual with the disease here. I remember her asking, "Betol ni?" three times!

Honestly, sometimes I do get overwhelmed..
Like when I'm faced with people who lose hope to an extend that I actually asked, "Please tell me how we can help you~"

Times when I'm faced with people who made wrong choices in life.. Especially those with good religious backgrounds and good education.. But I would tell myself, this is Allah's mercy in disguise.. Ailments wipe away sins~ And what matters is the future and not the past... I silently pray that these people make use the 2nd chance wisely...

I'm most overwhelmed when I see a parent or a spouse at the bedside.. To me it shows that, even the choices that we make as an adult will affect others. But we rarely thought about that, don't we? We thought we are the only one accountable for the choices we make.. How wrong that is..

But as I look at these people, besides learning about compassion and feeling grateful for what I'm blessed with, I learned something else.. I learned how to recognize true love... How we are wrong about it's true form. Perhaps I can't deny at the early stage of love (in which it often comes with this thing called infatuation) we might feel slightly out of control and overly excited. But in it's true form, true love knows no boundaries..

I saw them in the acts and faces of the people at the bedside, you know.. How they faithfully sit there and let time passed.. Sometimes holding hands.. Sometimes I heard them whispering words of encouragements, even to those who are barely conscious from brain infections.. I saw them do the same thing day in day out; bathing and feeding their loved ones, changing diapers, shifting the positions of the bedridden to avoid bedsores... Once I wonder, how great is the depth of their patience to continue doing all these laborious stuffs for someone who perhaps have wronged them before...? And the chance of recovery for some is very slim even...

But perhaps that's the true form of love.. Or true love.. It's calm and kind.. It's continuously doing the mundane but necessary for the beloved.. And even if the chance of survival is slim, who cares, true love is free...

Monday, October 26, 2015

I miss you

Sometimes, even a small ripple can make a raft adrift if it's not firmly anchored... And so does a newly found friendship whose loose bonds are vulnerable...

And ego is like rust that shrouds the heart from its true feeling... But when someone comes to wipe it and see what's beneath,  the feeling is still there,  and have been long kept hidden...

You know it's true when you say something and then you feel you're about to cry.. You know it's real and you mean it when it aches inside...

I miss you.. And I wish you read this...
I miss you....
It's been months now... But I'm too scared if I'll be pushed away again...
Yes,  I miss you...

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

This has got to change!

Tell you what, I've been using this same template since 2009. So now I'm very determined to change this. My skills are of course rusty these days so it will take me some time to do this 

Thus, please bear with all the weird weird changes I will be making because there are going to be a lot of trial ans error going on heeeeee

Sunday, August 16, 2015

From Two to Three~


I predicted I'll be all knocked out and weary tonight. I went back to my hometown over the weekend for Mom's open house on the last day of Eidul Fitr and end up doing all the preparation single-handedly because Mom was constantly busy running around doing errands and big bro was called for duty. Today, I woke up early to clean up the mess from yesterday, cooked lunch because Mom thought it would be wonderful to have Ambuyat with Ucu's family before I go back, prepared for my nephew's Jamuan Hari Raya and lastly drove 2 hours from Menumbok to KK... Fuh! I can't imagine doing this every day haha But I think it will be fine if minus the 2 hours drive...

I think my current hyperactivity has got to do with the coffee I took at 3 pm plus the durian upon my arrival at home (^^") Usually, my energy would have been wrung out of me and I'll just lay down and watch the fan spin on the ceiling~

Anyway, BFF was the last to come last night so we were just chilling around in the living room with cakes and syrup. Our main topic was how we have  immensely changed from our early twenties now that we're turning ehem ehem~ *not going to finish this sentence*

They were recollecting this hang out they had 2 weeks ago while I was in Japan. On Saturday, which was supposed to be the 'main' hang out day, they had to go out quite late because there was some interior designing going on at my friend's house so they had to wait until it was done. Surprisingly, despite going out late, they went back before 10 pm which was impossible during our early 20's. Those days, we were moving from one restaurant to another when the later closes and won't be home until it was about 3 am.

Well, the conversation was sort of stuck in my head today and I was evaluating what have changed every and now then as the day goes by today..

As I was sweeping the kitchen floor this morning, I thought that at this age you start to take your responsibility more seriously than before. In other words, you need not to be told what to do that much anymore, you KNOW what you have to do and you do it. For instance, in the past, I would've delayed the cleanup or just leave it to Mom since I'd done my part which was cooking. But looking at her white hairs; which were not there before and how she gets tired easily than before made me feel obliged that even though I'm drained to my very core, I have the urge to finish everything off and make it easier for her so in what very limited time I had, I just move around, systematically multitasked and delegate some of the easier jobs to my niece and nephew (^^)

And then I noticed that my temperament is somewhat more calm and collected when faced with difficult situations or even people. Recently, I got into some misunderstanding with a person in which  I find it hard to work out because the other party seem to be reluctant to discuss it out. This particular person was giving cold shoulder at one time and suddenly this person will be okay and then cold again and I just can't figure out what was going on. In addition, at the same time I had to handle another person who was, I say was not careful with words.. Yes that's the most polite way I could think of to describe it. Of course, in my point of view, I see that I was not treated fairly. If there was something wrong, it should be discussed and should not be kept quiet and not corrected until things worsened. I'm the type who can handle and appreciate honesty and I think the thing that had caused this discord was flimsy.. Even foolish, yes..

In the past, I would have poured at them a good amount of harsh remarks to their faces. But these days, I realize doing so doesn't give back anything to me except bad reputation. Thus, I only cried in exchange of the bad remarks and then remain silent and calm thereafter hahaha and as a mature adult, you start to recognize which relationship to keep and which one to let go no matter how precious it was to you before especially when you've done your part to mend it.

When it comes to driving, even when you still love speed, you will start to appreciate cruising at medium speed, that's like maximum 90 km/h. And this actually rather justified and sensible in this era with no oil subsidy haha But of course I still can be a daring driver when I have to~

And when it comes to going out, you are more objective. This happens to my cousin and me where previously we need no reason to go out. Like, lets just go out because we have nothing else to do. Nowadays, we just enjoy being at home so much. There must be something important to get or maybe some special food that we crave to get us to start the engine and go somewhere. And this helps me a lot with my financial and of course my travel (^^)

And when it comes to love, even though you are haunted with social ideals where people will start to scare you that you're almost 'there' and there will be risk in pregnancy or your 'saham' will start to drop. Again, you'll still be calm and collected because you know this kind of thing is the work of the Creator who had ordained the person for you and when exactly you will meet him or her, am I right? There is no way to make it happen faster so until the time comes, I will try to be the best version of myself because now I know being married is not merely 'happily ever after' but it is actually 'alam yang memerlukan sabar'. And I don't believe in such thing as "I can never love another person more than him~" hahaha because to me, despite of heart breaks (twice for me), you will eventually learn to love the person who is meant for you and even greater than the love to the ones you have to let go...

And lastly, this evening I decided to get some hair bands, an air freshener and some takoyaki.. And I got home with just that.. Oh yes~ I've become a very sensible shopper with prove hahaha

Selamat Malam~

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Tanzania Part I


Greetings from Istanbul! (^^)/
Yes, I'm writing this in Istanbul. Got some free time to relax my sore feet while waiting for Maghrib prayer so I decided to write a bit about our Tanzania trip on June 2014. Hehe mo setahun bha baru tulis kaaannnn

Anyway, I've written about our preparation in another post. I will make a label for Tanzania later.

So, it all started with a lot of emails between me and the manager. The route actually goes like this

KL-Qatar-Dares Salam-Kilimanjaro Airport

Dares Salam Airport

Actually,  we can reach the Kilimanjaro region by bus which takes around 10 hours with a much cheaper price than flight ticket but due to time constraints,  we opt to take Fastjet which cost us RM 331 return ticket.

To be honest, I didn't know what to expect in Tanzania. Having heard a lot about violence in the continent, I had misleading impression about the people there. When we arrived, most of the people were staring at us and we felt somewhat frightened.  But after a few days, after several encounters of people who can't even tell where we were from when they try to guess where we were from and some have never heard about our country, we then knew that the only reason they were staring was they never see people like us. They stare because  they were just curious. I refused to roll down my window when a walking vendor wanted to talk to us.. I still feel bad about it.. We did chat with him through a very tiny opening of the car window (^^")

Our tour package includes airport pickup so there was a man holding a paper with my name written on it when we arrived. It took more than an hour to get to our hotel but I enjoyed the journey very much. Another thing that surprised me was Tanzania is so green and along the way you can see sunflowers. There were sunflower field everywhere!

Sunflowers~ Sorry la jeep kami laju banget~

We stayed in Panama hotel which is also included in the package. It's very basic but clean and cozy. They had free breakfast where you can choose from the menu. Ada satu lagi yang buat aku rasa bersalah. I was looking at the buffet breakfast and was opening the covers of every pans they placed on the counter before deciding which one to take.  Tiba-tiba tu waitress tanya, "Dirty?"

I was surprised, of course. Lalu aku pon menjawab, "No. Not at all. I was just looking. And not yet decide.."

I don't know if she saw me frowned or anything but it didn't cross my mind at all if the prepared food was dirty. I was just curious how African cuisine will look like (^^")

Anyway, Stephan picked us up that morning at the hotel and we met our cook, Edi. We head for Tarangire National Park that day. It was our second day in Tanzania and masih  sakai2 lagi kan. We saw this guy at the side of the road, bare-skinned, and his face and body was painted with white stripes and dots. Dan aku yang tekejot ni pon bertanya, "What's that?" because I just can't believe what I saw since the jeep was zooming in full speed on the highway. Then Stephan told me, that was a Masai who just got circumcised waiting to become a warrior. And RA and I went 'Ooooooo'

And then there were people walking on the side of the road all the time, even in deserted places where there were no houses, no farms, no grazing field, no crops, no nothing. "Where are these people going? I didn't see any village for the past.. hurm.. perhaps 20 km" Then Stephan explained that these people might have been walking since morning from places many kilometres away from their villages. They prefer to walk and  if it gets too late they might hitch hike. Another 'Ooooooo' from the back seat...

K la nanti ai sambung :p

Sunday, May 31, 2015

\(^^)/ End of Eurotrip Chapter III


Alhamdulillah.. We just finished another Eurotrip and this time we covered the Balkan region.. Currently I'm on transit in Qatar; waiting for our flight to KL.. So the route goes like this...

Istanbul, Turkey -> Athens, Greece -> Thessaloniki, Greece -> Tirana, Albania -> Kotor, Montenegro -> Mostar, Bosnia -> Sarajevo, Bosnia -> Zagreb,Croatia

Dan tercapai suda impian aku pi Bosnia (^^)

Nantila I update.. Sebab banyak drama la kali ni hahaha

I already wrote some posts about Tanzania but yet to be posted because I need my laptop to upload the pics.

One more trip this year and then aku akan meroyan~ meroyan~ meroyan~ T_T