What He Doesn't Know; Final Chapter. Titik Noktah

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Bismillah...

*This is fiction*

Dear He-Who-Doesn't-Know,

It's been weeks since I last hear from you. I hope you're doing well and happy with your upcoming life-changing affair. I'm doing good as usual although work has been a little bit hectic lately.


I've been thinking a lot about myself, you and us (if there was ever an 'us'). It's just funny how things are fated between us. How we have met and become close to each other in an unexpected manner. Well, it was unexpected for my part. How I'd intuitively felt that there was going to be a story between me and this name on the drug chart when I first saw your stamp two years ago. How I'd felt that meeting you felt like a deja vu. And how a glimpse of your crooked smile gave a strange feeling that left me confused for many months after that.


With much confusion on my side, I'd chose to pull away. To see whether you will come back or not because I always believe that what is destined to be mine will eventually be. That  strange feeling could have been mere infatuation but I finally found out that it was not. You came back alright, but I guess it was decreed that we meet again at the wrong time because you were already taken by another.


If you thought that I was just another woman who fancies you for your looks, your title, your social status and whatnot, you're wrong. If so, I wouldn't have noticed how your face changed when that old guy left our table that evening in our friend's wedding. I wouldn't notice that there was something bothering you inside when we were on our way back from our last dive. I wouldn't felt so broken when I hear your croaked voice at the other end of the line that morning when I called to check if you were okay or not. And I wouldn't still be your friend even when I know there's nothing to me if I stay.


People told me that I should stay away from you and everything that reminds me of you. But I chose the opposite because I know it won't work on me. It will work if I only see you as another potential suitor but you are what I like to call my second love. Through experience, I learn that love is not just a feeling, it's a verb. It's an act where you want to make the other person to be happy. It's not something that you can easily suppress. That's why I'd said yes to all the things that I said yes to because I want you to be happy and I know I'm strong enough to withstand what's unrequited. After all, you can't break what's already broken. That's just how strong a healed heart could be. And for all the things that I'd said yes to, I want you to know that there were no regrets at all on my side.


I don't know if you notice that I keep stealing glances when you were seating on the red sofa. It was just hard to believe that you were where you were at that time. And when I was surrounded by the smell of vanilla and leather seat of your white stallion, I'd never imagine that to ever happen too. And when I text you before you flew to the faraway land, I just can't muffle the strong urge to know whether you're going or not. And when your name appeared on my phone screen after two weeks of silence, although the message was not exclusively directed to me, I was relieved that you're safe and sound in the faraway land.


Sometimes I do wonder whether all your actions, simple gestures and all the time spent were solely out of friendship or something more. Perhaps we are what's called asymptotes, who can get closer and closer to each other but never together. I guess, I will never know whether there is ever a space in your heart for me or not. But what I do know it's not my hand that you choose to hold.


I'd prepared long ago that you won't be mine. I'm doing fine and moving on with life; pursuing other things that matter. Thank you for letting me realize that I am capable to love again. Thank you for the happiness, for the experience and for the laughter. I'm thankful that our paths crossed each other and I want you to know, the best thing is, remembering you makes me smile and not cry. I'll wait for my last love because I do believe if I could love you this much when you're not the right one,  it must be even more incredible when I finally meet The One. I'll pray for your happiness. I always do....

P.S.
I lied to you about the meaning of nakupenda









Acceptance

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Bismillah

Another Facebook status....
I really want to update but I'm like freakin' busy at work and I have no energy left to do real stuffs after work...
I just wanna lie down and read.....
And leave status like this on my wall hahaha


The wisdom of adversity often breeze in long after it had passed...
We see things differently, React discerningly...
Placing rational expectations on things we knew we have no power on...
We learn to split happiness into small chunks and not position one object as a central...
So, if one object is lost, we still have many reasons to be happy about...

This world and its content could be cruel at times,
But we live only once... So lets just roll with the punches...
When one battle is over, regardless whether we are the winner or the loser,
Life leave us with no choice but to stand again...
Because there will surely be another battle...


The Lesson from Surah Al Kahf (^^)

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Bismillah...

This is actually taken from my facebook status this weekend... It's as long as my blog post kan..? Enjoy!


"Last night, I posted a link about the message of surah Al Kahf... Which was long... That I actually just finished it today and what I learned was utterly fascinating and I'm very compelled to summarize it in one status.. Here goes!

Every chapter of the Al Quran actually has a theme. Meaning to say that there is a central matter that is being focused in every chapter. So for surah Al Kahf the key message is overcoming trials in which it has been described by the depiction of 4 stories; the people of the cave or also knowm as ashabul kahf, the man with the two gardens, Musa's a.s. journey & the story of Zulkarnain...

Trials of Iman
Ashabul kahf were pious youths that lived in a time of shirk and the ruler would persecute those who believed in God. Despite being threatened for their Iman, these youths stood firm with their belief and as a result Allah protected them from the cruel ruler by giving them refuge in a cave where they fell asleep and woke up hundreds of years later...

This shows that Allah shows mercy to those who firmly believe and that's why we see how The Prophet and the companions were given victories despite all odds.

Trials of wealth.
The story is about a man who  was blessed with a very fruitful garden and he didn't have to work hard for that because there was a flowing river in between his two gardens. But this have made him arrogant and he belittled those who are poorer. He also thought that all these blessings that he has in the dunya proves that Allah preferred him than others and he will gain more in the akhira.. But he was wrong..

The wealth and the ease gained in this world does  not describe Allah's pleasure or displeasure. Rather it's a test to examine our belief, action and character...

Trials of knowledge
The story of Prophet Musa's journey actually tells us how such a great Messenger was being taught by Allah about humbleness and humility.

Knowledge, despite of its vast benefit could also lead to evil if it is misused, and if it leads to pride and arrogance

Trials of power
This was described in the story of the great conquerer Zulkarnain. Although he'd conquered the east and lands between the east tand west, he still had an unwavering taqwa which made him just and compassionate although he was such a powerful ruler of his time..

How does the surah connects to the protection from the dajal? Because it is through these types of trials will the dajal make the
people of his time go astray... And Allah have taught us how to protect ourselves from the dajal through this surah...

Okay panjang jugak! Hehe tapi panjang lagi artikel itu!
Isn't it beautiful once we discovered the real message behind every surah rather than just reciting word by word without being able to decipher and ponder?

It's mind blowing! And rasa aaaargh!!!! sikit nya ilmu di dada!!!!

I hope we all can benefit from this. N lets go to work!"



Written....

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Bismillah...

I've so much to tell yet have so little time to write these days. But I'm trying to keep this blog updated as often as I could.. So for the past few months I've been traveling a lot. I was in Ilm Fest in one weekend, I was in a best friend's wedding in the next and spent 8 days in Africa after that. And finally I went to the Rain Forest Music Festival, a yearly event held in Kuching, Sarawak.

Alhamdulillah.. I'm still breathing for another Ramadhan, a month full of blessings and forgiveness.. This evening I watched a video in one of the channel I subscribed on YouTube. It was about two companions who had come to the Prophet to embrace Islam. Both lived as good Muslims but one had died as a martyr in one of the holy wars. And the other one died a year later. One night, another companion dreamed about the two men; the angel had taken the one who had died later first into Jannah and only came again later for the martyr. The companion who had the dream was so amazed that he thought, "What could have this man who had been taken first to Jannah had done during his life to have surpassed a martyr?". So he went to the Prophet for an answer. And the Prophet said,

"It was because the other man had another year of Ramadhan in which he had filled the month full with sincere Ibadah..."

Upon listening to this, I can't help but feel lucky to have the chance to still be alive for my 27th Ramadhan. Out of the 27, I think I'd spent at least 12 as a child and several more with little understanding of what Ramadhan  is really about besides refraining oneself from eating and drinking and doing what is forbidden during the day to sunset. There were even years during my teenage years where I'd listed a lot of excuses to not go for Taraweeh. To think about it, having given the time and enlightenment to improve in each coming Ramadhan is one of the greatest Nikmah ever...


On this month, we can't help but thought of the people who had gone before us.. I have been thinking a lot about Nurul too.. When I was back in Labuan last weekend, Ucu showed me a picture of her doing a performance on stage in one of her primary school magazine. Ever since, I have been thinking a lot about how is she doing 'there'? I do think that is rather ironic, though. Ideally, I should be more concern of my own preparation to go 'there', shouldn't I? But I think it's just normal for a big sis to be worried once in a while..



It's the second Ramadhan without Nurul.. We are already accustomed to her absence but life has never been the same since to any of us in the family. Her room is left untouched from the day she left for university. I would sometime sneak into her room in the middle of the night when everybody is already asleep; just stood there, look around and relive the memories we used to have in that room. Pijah and I agreed that Nurul's passing is the greatest reminder of all. It reminds us that the young can 'leave' earlier than the old. Then why should we fall short in Ibadah compared to the old? It reminds us that no matter to what degree our success and failures are in this world, the end destination is still the same for each and every individual that is to return to the Creator...

Yesterday was my 4th anniversary working in my current setting. And Z text me saying...



Yup.. Things have been undeniably turned 360 degrees which made me believe that no matter how hard things are in the very beginning, it will turn out just fine in the end provided we believe in what Allah have written for us and stay strong.

When it comes to my current career, the journey had started tearful because this was not what I initially wanted. Then my degree years goes by easily. I scored in most subjects without much effort but had to struggle a little bit in third year when the subjects were mostly about formulating pharmaceutical products. The shapes and structures of the molecules are just beyond my grasp. Then came the working years which started slightly bumpy. I once failed to respond in a timely manner to a distress call during my training years and the toughest would be the months when I had to be in charge of the department. A vicious cycle of meeting other people's expectations, problem solving and decision making.



But all in all, those are the tough moments that had shaped me into what I am now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in the process of learning but I had somehow improved in certain areas. I'm more composed when faced with a tough situation. Now I know how to prioritize and organize my tasks according to their urgency and importance. And best of all, I finally figure out how to balance between work and the things that matters to me like family, hobbies and a tidy room hehe

How did Zul's name came up in the message?? I was an emotional wreck when the relationship ended and was still trying to move on when I entered the working world until I met he-who-doesn't-know which actually didn't work pretty well either.I was reading this article titled "A letter to the first love". I was surprised that the content was pretty much what I would want to say to Zul if I had the chance to.

Although our relationship had ended bitterly when his betrayal was coincidentally revealed, I would still like to thank him for so many things. Like.... If he have not betrayed me, I probably might not have the chance to see the world. Now I've been to Africa, baby! And I want to thank him for the accident, although it caused my knee to be slightly arthritic and occasionally pained, but I learned that love is willing to sacrifice. When it's all shattered and not meant to be, initially I did feel enraged because I felt that he had not appreciated what I'd done. But when I reflected back on those days, I sacrificed because I sincerely loved him and it no longer matter if he appreciate it or not because who he was when he betrayed me was not the same person who I'd sacrificed for.... Because the time when I sacrificed, it was worth it. And the time when I chose to step out of the relationship, was the best decision I'd ever made.

In most cases, first love don't turn out to be the last. It's just like an introduction and after that we learn that love is not like what the fairy tales feed us. It's not happy ever after but something to work on together ever after. Although my first love was a stranger, I'd never thought that my second love would be another stranger. I went to browse all my posts about he-who-doesn't-know last night and laughed to the numerous amount of posts in which I said I'm going to let him go. Many had happened after "Journey To The One". We were drawn closer to know each other better as friends. At times, I questioned myself whether it's right to continue our acquaintance or will it hurt me. But then I set my intention right. When we become friends in the first place, it was not because I expect my feelings to be reciprocated. It started as just another friendship so then if the feeling is not mutual, why should I run away when I can actually handle it? But I know, not everybody could accept my conscience...



How I wish the second one is the last but I guess here's another story which is not meant to be. I'm just glad that I finally found someone who can soften my battered heart, someone I could trust and feel safe with. Someone I could laugh heartily with and sometimes bully. Someone who really listens and who often surprised me with the details he remembered. Someone who looks at me with a smile that never fades that it made me laugh although I meant to be serious. Someone who trust me in return and enjoy my company. Zul left me crying for many months and I don't want that to happen again. If all this is to end, I want it to end happily. Not having anything unsettled. I want to remember our moments together with a smile rather than having tears rolling down my cheeks. Although there are many things that I haven't figured out and perhaps will be kept as a secret forever, I'm glad that the ending was made to happen in a dimly lit street where he can't see that my face was actually flushing red. It ended with a smile curved on his lips then he said, "Assalamualaikum.."



I guess, not writing for so long made me a little bit rusty and everything just seem to be jumbled up in one post. But my point is, think about it, how many things in life turn out different from what we have planned or from what we have predicted? Where did we end up at the end of the story? In my case, I landed on the perfect spots every time no matter how scary the fall is. So now I learn to put my whole trust on Allah. All I have to do is just face it, live my life for my ultimate destination, be grateful, be happy etc etc.




Allah is the Creator of this massive world... It's beautiful... It's perfect for all His creations.. Then why should we doubt what he had written?



And lets just smile to the smell of vanilla~ Nakupenda he-who-doesn't-know..
Nakupenda sana ;)

The Future Is Not Mine To See...

Monday, June 16, 2014

Bismillah...



Have you ever found someone with whom you click in an instant and feels like you could be best friends forever?

And it surprises you that the two of you are often thinking about the same things... That it felt awkward that the same words are expelled simultaneously that it made you laugh when you thought about it again of how that had happened...

It would also be lovely to have someone with whom you could do a lot of things together...

I think, at this age we handle heartbreaks differently now...

It's really easy to surrender to fate.. Like I would tell myself that some things are meant to be and some are not.. And then get on with life..

Someone like I mentioned above crossed my path... O how I wish he is mine to keep... But I guess it's not meant to be...  So I will tell you; when I saw his smile in front of the surau 2 years ago, I didn't have butterflies in my stomach... nor did my heart skipped a beat... Tapi aku rasa laen... Aku rasa tenang...

But perhaps he-who-doesnt-know is not mine to keep...

But still I'm grateful that there are times that he had made me very happy... Jadi aku rasa kisah kami tamat... hahaha habis suda siri dari 2012 ni :p

Sekian...




Preparing For Africa!!!!!!!!! \(^^)/

Monday, June 9, 2014

Bismillah....

When this post appears on my blog, I'll already be in Africa InshaAllah... I don't want to leave this blog dormant for too long.. (Padahal selalu suda kan..) So I thought I would write a little bit about how the idea popped out, what I'd to go through while waiting for the time to come and my rather nerve wrecking preparation...

I haven't mention about us not having any flight ticket by the end of our Tasmania and NZ trip, have I? Well, that was actually unprecedented. We always have tickets for the next trip after every trip... So, we were anxious.. We already got the destinations in mind but we haven't even got the dates although we know by the second month post-travel all of us will have withdrawal symptoms.. MEROYAN~




Ini contoh2 withdrawal symptoms.. Snatch travel quotes from FB and put it on my pic.. Obses dengan diri sendiri sunggoh...

How I end up choosing Africa... INTUITION~ A CALLING~

Really it was! Woke up one weekend and thought it would be cool to try visit a continent that we haven't been to. I quickly check on Zimbabwe then Kenya and finally Tanzania... Made the decision in that instant and searched for 2-way ticket to Tanzania.. And Voila! RM 3300 all-in via Qatar airline!

Send message in Whatsapp Group "Korang Tanzania, RM 3300 2-way.." And got an immediate reply from RA and voila! Bought 2 tickets within 2 hours after the idea popped...  We're actually not that well-off that we could just decide like that.. We've learn from the past that we will eventually get the money needed for our trip when we are more objective. Already having the ticket gives the motivation.

I know most travelers will do the budgeting first before buying the ticket. But doing it the other way around works for us.. And of course lah within the interval we have to work hard and fast on the itinerary to try reduce cost as low as we could.

For this Safari trip, I spent much time searching for ground travel agents in Tanzania. I emailed at least 15 companies and read perhaps thousands of reviews and even contacted the clients to make sure the reliability of the service.. So I finally opted for Lindo Tanzania Travel since the manager gave a very good impression from his helpful and quick response to my emails and the price is quite low compared to other companies but not too cheap though... hehe



And one thing you should prepare yourself with is the immunization with yellow fever vaccine. Well, it is actually not a compulsory requirement by the customs however  to be on the safe side, we took it anyway. Because it is recommendable to those who board transit flight. If the health officer ask you to produce the vaccination book and  you don't have it, you might need to take it then and there. From the forum that I read, it might cost around $50. Mine was RM 90 since I did it at a government facility. But they'd asked for my passport, the ticket and my work pass. RA had it for RM 350 because she got it at the GP.

The vaccination was rather taxing because I'd to come 4 times just for that single injectio (^^") seb baek semangat aku berkobar2! And then there was some problem with the Foreign Telegraph Transfer. Luckily, the tour manager was okay when I asked for his ID and Alhamdulillah it's finally all settled~


One of the most useful Safari tips that I got form the internet...

Don't wear anything blue!!! It'll attract the Tse Tse fly and mosquitoes!


Hurm. doakan keselamatan kami.. Dua gadis di Benua Afrika!